Motivation
15 Mar, 2025
I keep finding this waxing and waning motivation that drives me for a second before I'm stuck again. I keep having to remind myself that I am capable of making things, I'm capable of finishing them, and at least if I'm to believe others, I make decent things.
If I really had to make a guess, all of my projects feel lonely...
How about this? Instead of this long rant I was going to type out about I just share a short story I wrote in middle/highschool;
"Fear Not"
Angels in the bible are probably the most horrifying thing to think of. People often depict them as handsome men with large feathered wings, but they’re not. There is a reason they start every sentence with, “Fear not.”
I guess in that sense I’m like an angel. People see me and assume I’m some abomination, they look at me and see a monster, something to fear, and something to hate. They stare me down at me, picking apart my every movement. My head jerks to the side with no control and my voice escapes my mouth without my knowledge and I am seen as a threat.
When things weren’t as bad I’d have the occasional gawker, someone who doesn’t understand my issues. They never asked, and they never would. From there, things only got worse. I became a danger to myself, things I found myself able to do without any problem became hazards to avoid. I had to pick and choose the music I’d listen to, or the place I was working in just to assure my head remained safely on my body. I could barely cook without the lingering fear that I’d find myself hurt by my own body over which I had no control. Eventually, even my family started asking if it was really safe for me to do things. “Will you be okay driving? Are you sure you can sleep? Is it safe for you to see your friends?”
At the time, I thought I could stomach anything the world had thrown at me. That was until my own younger sibling looked me in the eyes and said, “You’re scaring me.” The words broke my heart. I didn’t really value their opinion much, but something about it destroyed me. It cracked my world in two. I couldn’t show how much it hurt me, I never can.